Languages

The Onion

Syndicate content The Onion
America's Finest News Source
Updated: 5 hours 6 min ago

TV Listings: Meet The Press

15 hours 40 min ago
NBC 10 a.m. EST/9 a.m. CST David Gregory finally remembers to bring in a framed photograph of his wife and kids to put on the table.


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats

Sat, 02/04/2012 - 23:00
Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.

Sat, 02/04/2012 - 22:15
FINDLAY, OH—Two hours after she woke up, Madeline Tarver, 16, crawled back in bed just to keep her mom on her toes.


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride

Sat, 02/04/2012 - 20:00
Suitcase Spends All Year Looking Forward To Carousel Ride


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012

Sat, 02/04/2012 - 19:15
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach.


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Incest Survivor Dumped

Sat, 02/04/2012 - 17:15
Incest Survivor Dumped


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Congressman Hurt To Discover Lobbyist Not Really His Friend

Sat, 02/04/2012 - 16:15
WASHINGTON—According to Capitol Hill sources, Rep. Bobby Schilling (R-IL) came to the painful realization this week that agribusiness lobbyist Stephen Fischer, who had been kind and generous toward him for months and had often met up with him for dr...


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

TV Listings: Downton Abbey

Sat, 02/04/2012 - 00:45
PBS 9 p.m. EST/8 p.m. CST The hit British show has to do damage control after last week's episode, in which all the characters referred to the fighting in France as "World War I."


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 23:30
TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight.


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

[video] Poll: GOP Nomination Now Two-Way Race Between Mitt Romney, Total Voter Apathy

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 21:45
The FDA urges Americans to check out a really weird-looking potato, a suitcase looks forward all year to the carousel ride, and Syria is running dangerously low on citizens to oppress.


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Area Man Finally Sees Enough Images Of Bare Breasts For Entire Lifetime

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 21:00
BOISE, ID—With what he described as "a deep sense of satisfaction," local man David Glean closed his laptop Tuesday after viewing his 98,344th pair of naked breasts, telling reporters he had seen enough bare bosoms in his 32 years to last ...


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Ron Paul Blames Florida Loss On Expensive Advertising Costs Of Poster Board, Markers

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 20:10
TAMPA, FL—After finishing last in this week's Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul told reporters his poor showing in the polls was caused by the prohibitively expensive cost of the poster board, markers, and tape he uses to c...


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

[video] Cocky Giants' D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 18:15
News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Opinion: Oh, Shit! What Day Is It? (by Punxsutawney Phil)

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 18:00
Boy, it feels like I just went to bed. I must've hibernated on my back all weird or something. What a dream, though, wow. I wonder what time it...


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

American Voices: Should Sugar Be Regulated?

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 17:15
In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco.


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 16:15
DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu...


Categories: All Feeds, Fun

[audio] Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans

Fri, 02/03/2012 - 15:30
Traveler Amazed By Sheer Number Of Mexicans


Categories: All Feeds, Fun