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Dear The Onion, Remember that guy from last week or so who was some kind of mayor or alderman? He was against wrecking something, like a building, or maybe it was a park? He didn't want some parking garage or gas station put in its place? Well, I disagree...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The popular search engine Google announced plans Friday to launch a new site, TheGoogle.com, to appeal to older adults not...

Last week, the U.S. occupation of Iraq officially ceased being a combat mission as the military entered the stability phase of its operations. Here are some of the major victories of the seven-and-a-half-year war.

NEW YORK—During a visit with the team Wednesday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told the New York Jets to lower their Super Bowl expectations, suggesting they consider setting more manageable goals for the 2010-2011 season.

FORT WORTH, TX—Following a news update on the depopulation of honeybees across North America and much of the world, it suddenly dawned on local bank teller Keith Orlander Tuesday that he, personally, was responsible for the dramatic and theretofore ...

Researchers have found that while brain exercises can help slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease, they actually speed up its progress once symptoms of the illness have appeared.

Author Nina Davis says you don't have to diet to look slimmer, just mash your flab into a more flattering silhouette.

SAN FRANCISCO—"We tried to ignore the signs, but every day more and more of those weird wart-looking things appeared on our home page," said a Craigslist developer.

UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Aries Remember, it's never too late to fall in love. It's just too late to fall in the kind of love that isn't a cynical compromise based on a fear of dying alone. Taurus You'll become the sworn enemy of men's magazine r...

As the season kicks off in New Orleans with a rematch of last year's NFC championship game, Onion Sports breaks down the NFL opener:

Well, the Summer of Jean has come and gone. You Jeanketeers will know what I'm talking about: In a column back in June (boy, does that feel like a lifetime ago…), I discussed how I was really going to take charge of this summer and make it my own.

WASHINGTON—Officials from the Department of Ha-Cha WOWwa have traced a nationwide outbreak of va-va-vooms to one miniskirt-wearing blonde, last seen Thursday night working those stems like nobody's business.

NEW YORK—In an eleventh-hour session Wednesday night, representatives from the NFL Players Association sat down with the league's owners to reach an agreement on their "One Last Big Blast" plan to have the most rocking football season ever...

This informative poster will hang in all NFL locker rooms to tell players of the potentially severe consequences of head injury.